Persist. Persist. Persist.

Sunday. Church day. Exciting? Yes I do like going to church. But today, maybe not so..why? Because I am slightly disappointed with life at present. Bad few weeks which has resulted in me getting angry and frustrated with life and God in general. SO off we go anyways…

9.30am..here we are standing in a beautiful church hall with amazing praise and worship going on. When I stand here each Sunday, my heart is filled with Gods presence. The Holy Spirit is ever so present here. Goose bumps alright. 10am, take my little girl up to Sunday school. Some Sundays are easier than others with detachment and goodbyes as I leave her. Today was one of those not so good ones. I sit with her for a while, reassuring here that mummy will come back to get her and she will be just fine, playing with friends, and enjoying the activities the teachers have got planned. Try not to sneak out, so give her a kiss and say goodbye, get up to leave…CRY! not successful. 10 minutes later I try again..this time a beautiful teacher comes around and gives me a hand with distracting her. And off mummy goes back into the church hall where a visiting pastor from Melbourne was preaching..Happily sits down to listen. And BANG! the words I needed to hear today came straight at me…

‘You must persist in your prayers, don’t get tired of praying, do not give up!’ ‘Persist! Persist! Persist!’ , ‘God has His perfect timing for you, and if something you are praying for does not come to pass when you want it to, it is because he is preparing you for a birth of something big, something you may not even know you are praying for.’

There you have it…that was my Sunday at church. If that didn’t speak to me I don’t know what would. That had to be for me. Given how I have neglected my prayer life, more given up on it because I have become so weary and exhausted with all that’s happened. That has to be FOR ME.

So today, I was reminded to not give up on my prayers. God has a will and plan for me. I have to persist and speak His promises over my life. Claim His promises, and so I will. I may need to be reminded of this again and again as I battle negative thoughts, but WOW isn’t it amazing how God even had it all planned that I had to hear this message today giving me the ability to leave my little one at the right time to walk back into the church hall at that very moment to hear those exact words. So it is His plan, in His timing..and my job is to fervently pray.

I miscarried..my days after.

You read about others having a miscarriage. I have spoken to friends and family that have very similar experiences. I have consoled and shared this grief when others have gone through it. But noooo, is it really happening to me? No No No. The day we found out we were expecting our second child, everything seemed bright. All troubles seemed to have disappeared. That two little blue lines on the pregnancy test was a breath of fresh air. And with that my motherly instinct kicked in, which means health eating, slowing down with heavy activities. All the things one would do to protect that little miracle growing in you. What a special time. Off to the doctors, all confident. Absolutely sure it was all going to go well. And it was going to plan. Great.

Two weeks later, spotting. Then a small bleed the following day. Still keeping positive, made an appointment to see the obstetrician the following day. Fear then started creeping in. And..a week later, a big bleed. It was over. Blood test confirmed this loss.

The first thing I felt was intense sadness and darkness. How does one even describe this loss. This is 3 weeks ago, and I am only now able to sit and put my feelings down. Why I am doing this? This is my way of letting go, at the same time letting my bottled feelings out. And I am not even sure if this will do it. But I am going to try anyway.

‘Why me? Why us? What happened to my answered prayers.’

‘Was there something I could have done? Is there something I did to let this happen?’

I felt numb, angry, lonely, dark..

‘Is this how it is? Why is it that no one tells you what to expect when this happens? Why don’t we speak about it more?’

Everyday since, I speak to my little baby, the baby I never got to hold. In Heaven I believe is where my little one is, and I will hold on to this. Why I will never know..but I can only pray now that our little one is warm and safe among God’s angels.

But that pain..although less now, is still there. It creeps in every now and then, and when it does, it is intense. I feel it gripping me tight, not wanting to let go. If I let this go, I fear I will forget my little one. I have to consciously hold my tears, to gain my strength to move on.

That darkness. I don’t want to be there. But it certainly wants me there. At this point, the pain is still too raw. Raw enough for me to be able to walk myself through that painful few days of realising this pregnancy will not come to pass. I know I shouldn’t dwell in it, but it is not until you experience it will you know how painful this is. It is pain. And it is real.

there will be brighter days

What this has taught me? Life is temporary, life is fragile. I have a two year old whom I adore. She reminds me each day that a smile and a cuddle from a loved one is all you need. These are special moments, and I need to enjoy it while it last. Blessings of a child are a gift from God, and I will receive this and cherish this.

I am not sure if this pain will ever go away, but I believe I am on the path to healing. I will remember this pregnancy fondly, but will hope with each day, I am able to breathe that tad bit easier. For now, I will grieve my loss, and smile when I can, for tomorrow is a new day, and a new chance at life.

For this child is a blessing..

for this child i prayed

¬†For this child I prayed…I had this on my little girls baby dedication cake which was done on the 18th of December 2011. It was a beautiful day, where we dedicated her to our Lord Jesus, to be blessed and to be a symbol of our reliance on Him to raise her. She has been a blessing to us since the day she was born .

Here I stop to thank my blessings, almost two years on. I know of many who have tried for years and have put their body through many painful medical procedures to conceive. I cannot begin to count my blessings, for He has blessed us with this baby. Just as I prayed for this child before she was conceived, I continue to pray as a mother for all the days of her life. She is my beautiful girl…and she will always be my special girl.