You read about others having a miscarriage. I have spoken to friends and family that have very similar experiences. I have consoled and shared this grief when others have gone through it. But noooo, is it really happening to me? No No No. The day we found out we were expecting our second child, everything seemed bright. All troubles seemed to have disappeared. That two little blue lines on the pregnancy test was a breath of fresh air. And with that my motherly instinct kicked in, which means health eating, slowing down with heavy activities. All the things one would do to protect that little miracle growing in you. What a special time. Off to the doctors, all confident. Absolutely sure it was all going to go well. And it was going to plan. Great.
Two weeks later, spotting. Then a small bleed the following day. Still keeping positive, made an appointment to see the obstetrician the following day. Fear then started creeping in. And..a week later, a big bleed. It was over. Blood test confirmed this loss.
The first thing I felt was intense sadness and darkness. How does one even describe this loss. This is 3 weeks ago, and I am only now able to sit and put my feelings down. Why I am doing this? This is my way of letting go, at the same time letting my bottled feelings out. And I am not even sure if this will do it. But I am going to try anyway.
‘Why me? Why us? What happened to my answered prayers.’
‘Was there something I could have done? Is there something I did to let this happen?’
I felt numb, angry, lonely, dark..
‘Is this how it is? Why is it that no one tells you what to expect when this happens? Why don’t we speak about it more?’
Everyday since, I speak to my little baby, the baby I never got to hold. In Heaven I believe is where my little one is, and I will hold on to this. Why I will never know..but I can only pray now that our little one is warm and safe among God’s angels.
But that pain..although less now, is still there. It creeps in every now and then, and when it does, it is intense. I feel it gripping me tight, not wanting to let go. If I let this go, I fear I will forget my little one. I have to consciously hold my tears, to gain my strength to move on.
That darkness. I don’t want to be there. But it certainly wants me there. At this point, the pain is still too raw. Raw enough for me to be able to walk myself through that painful few days of realising this pregnancy will not come to pass. I know I shouldn’t dwell in it, but it is not until you experience it will you know how painful this is. It is pain. And it is real.
What this has taught me? Life is temporary, life is fragile. I have a two year old whom I adore. She reminds me each day that a smile and a cuddle from a loved one is all you need. These are special moments, and I need to enjoy it while it last. Blessings of a child are a gift from God, and I will receive this and cherish this.
I am not sure if this pain will ever go away, but I believe I am on the path to healing. I will remember this pregnancy fondly, but will hope with each day, I am able to breathe that tad bit easier. For now, I will grieve my loss, and smile when I can, for tomorrow is a new day, and a new chance at life.